anxiety disorder

fear of the general self
there is the real danger sir
look at that yellow sign
read the description

is that a question you ask me
or a bottle of pills?

either way, this is a warning
do not try to escape
do not try this at home
we are watching you
we are everywhere
we want you to know
and forget that

read the prescription
what does it say?
why are you here?
whose hand opened that cabinet
with the mirrors on the doors
filled with medicine?
whose face is it that you picture in your mind?
who are you looking at?

who is asking these questions
where are my pills

—the doctor always wears a white coat
he told me himself he never
never takes it off even at home
when he’s sleeping or eating
I imagine
even when he’s having sex
that knowledge soothes me
it comforts me to picture him
in his white white coat eating
drinking lauging having sex
I would like to watch him
while he sleeps I would touch
his coat with frightful fingers
like a ghost I would invade
his dreams like a dream I would
touch him, ghostlike, sleeping—

there is that face in the mirror again
a mouth like a moth flapping about
and red red lips surrounding the dark
it sounds like water is in there dripping
or like a giant bat beating its wings
who opened that cave?
who knew the code for the entrance?
who is gonna close it up again?

I could use my fist as a boulder
and shut the hole up
shut the hell up
shut the whole damn thing up
and down
shut it down!

shut!

it!

down!

terminal velocity
dead-end streets
the deep inside
the heart that beats